Ten

Shit. Really important family stuff going on right now, I have to figure it all out. I have exams next week. Probably won't be on here for a little while. I feel so gross, I'm starting a fast tomorrow and doing it for at least a week.

Nine

Well today was better. Tomorrow is my last day of school which just makes everything better. I went to my honor board meeting today after school and didn't get an "honor code offense" so it won't be on my record and I'm not in any trouble. They said I didn't lie about anything, but I still skipped class, so I have detention tomorrow after school. Which is perfectly fine with me because I'll use it to study for exams. I went and signed up for all my dance classes for next year, and I'm excited about them. Some will be challenging but I can't waitt, I love dance. I've been doing it since I was like 2 and they put me in little yellow chick tutu's (: It's really not easy trying to fast when i'm at home every night. My mom always cooks dinner and she would start suspecting things if I didn't eat for like 4 days straight. It should be alot easier in the summertime though cos I won't be at home a lot. Ah I just need to really study for exams and do well on them, and then I'll be done with school! I'm so excited to get away from this school and this town for awhile. God this girl at school said something to me today and it just set me off. I was putting some Special K energy mix in my water and she comes over and starts lecturing me about how much to put it and blah blah. And then she takes it from me and goes OH MY GOD THERE'S 30 CALORIES IN THIS? EW. And she's not even thin at alll. She's really obsessed with everything she eats and talks about it nonstop. Thats all the can ever talk about. How many calories something has and how fatty it is and how much she's eaten today and how she's on a diet. I get so sick of it. I mean obviously I'm trying to lose weight too and worry about what I eat but i don't talk about it nonstop and let everyone know how I feel about my weight and all that shit. Hah well enough venting. I need to go studdyy. I read the first 11 chapters of Wintergirls and it's amazing so far, but I don't want to finish it really quickly so I put it on my bookshelf and I'm not letting myself read any more until after exams are over. Next wednesday afternoon I'll be reading like crazy. Ew I'm so fat, it grosses me out. I feel awful. I'm fasting tomorrow and friday and saturday to start with. I promise. And if I break the fast at all I'm not eating more than 100 calories at the most.

Eight

Today was an awful day. School is stressing me out so incredibly much. I found out that I did really badly on my english project and that brought my grade down to a D+. Are you kidding me? A D+? It's english, I should be doing so much better in that class. I realllly don't like my teacher, so I don't even feel like talking to him right now, but I definitely need to figure something out with him so I can bring my grade up. I still have a little while before I'm even going to college but I think about it all the time. My mom won't stop lecturing me about how much I don't take school seriously and how I don't care about my work and I goof off all the time and get distracted. And she brings up college's like every single day, and tells me I need to start looking at them and figuring things out, and I'm never going to get into a good one because I don't care about my grades. Ahhhh. Oh and my asshole of a chemistry teacher is sending me to "honor board" which is this comittee at my school where you go if you violated the honor code. Which is no lying, cheating, or stealing. Last week I felt terrible at school and was faint and dizzy but the nurse wouldn't let me lay down so I just went to lay down in the library. And this was during chemistry class and we had a test. So my teacher is claiming that I straight up skipped his class just so I didn't have to take the test. Even though I told him I could take the test later that day in study hall if he needed me too, so its not like I wasn't prepared. I ended up taking the test eventually and then a week later I find out he's sending me to honor board for lying about where I was during his class. But I didn't lie at all. I don't even know what this means cos I've never been to honor board before, but it's just really upsetting. Good news is, my friend loved her cake (: It was this insane two layer chocolate cake with 3 cupcakes ontop of that. Haha I love bakingg. And I'm doing alot better on the guitar lately which I took up last year. I'm learning the song Fever Dream by Iron and Wine. And I'm feeling pretty good about fasting or just not eating very much. I have the self-control and I really think I can do it. Ahh and I bought Wintergirls yesterday, I'm so excited to read it. I started it on the car ride home and it was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I love it. I read one of her other books and it was really good too, so I want to find some others. Now I probably should go study for exams or do homework, and then I'm going to a fundraising dinner later tonight. I keep putting off weighing myself because I'm scared I haven't done well, so I'm going to weigh thursday morning. Wish me luckk.

Seven

I went to urban outfitters todayyyy and got really cute clothes. I'm so excited. Lots of cute dresses (: And they were all either small and extra small, yay. It was so hot today, and humid. And I ate lunch with my brother and his girlfriend. I really wanted fruit, but the restaurant was out of fruit.. I don't even understand how that's possible. And then I wanted a house salad but the were out.. cool. So I ended up having to get a veggie quesidilla but it was very spicy. Blah. And now my friend is spending the night and we're baking some cakes for someone's birthday tomorrow! We're making a two layer cake and then putting cupcakes on top of it. Yay yay yay. It's going to be insaneee. My mom bitched at us at dinner cos we didn't eat our pasta. whatever. she's the only one who might notice my fast. and she makes dinner every night so I don't know what to do about that. Ah I guess I'll figure something out. Hopefully I can lose weight this weeek. Well I'll probably write more later, my cake is ready!

Six

Ah I have such a cute boyfriend. We just celebrated our 2 month anniversary, and since I made a plan for our 1 month, it was his turn. So comes to get me and tells me he forgot the blindfold, so I have to close my eyes, and we drive a half hour away to this condo he has in the mountains. And he walks me up there and I have absolutely no idea whats going on, and then we walk in and I see it. And he makes me dinner (: And we watched tv and stuffff. And I just got home. But I thought it was adorable that he made me dinner. He was like "welll I haven't cooked in awhile, this might take a few tries." But it was perfect. Yayy. So today wasn't too bad, food wise. I was in the car most of the day and I didn't get any gross fast food or anything like that so I feel good. I'm going to try and go to the gym tomorrow morning with my mom and then alot more this week. I reallyy want my colarbones to protrude alot. I like how that looks. I think I'm going to this new Urban Outfitters that just opened up near me, tomorrow, which is very exciting. Because I live in a very small town and there aren't many good clothing stores around here. I'm kind of nervous though cos I want to lose more weight before I buy new clothes. But maybe I can buy some that are too small, as a motivation. Oh and I think I'm going to go buy Wintergirls tomorrow, so I'm very excited to start reading that. Hopefully my mom won't ask me too many questions about it because she might get suspicious. Happy memorial, no school day (:

Five

I don't know. I need more of it. I haven't done awful today but I'm not happy. I literally almost just started crying because of how gross and fat I feel. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. But it feels pathetic and weird because no one else understands. If i ever told anyone that I was upset because of my weight and I was really trying to lose weight, they would just laugh and tell me "oh you're so thin. are you crazy? you have the perfect body. you don't need to lose weight". That's what I hear from my mom and everyone else. But its really not true. And as soon as summer gets here it's even more dire that I lose weight so I can actually look semi-good on the beach. Ahhh I just want to be thin thin thin. I'm going to try and fast tomorrow and monday, as a start. If it goes well then I'll try next week. I want to go down to 105 and then I'll feel like I'm getting somewhere. At the moment, food just really grosses me out. I don't understand how there are such obese people in the world. How can you eat that much? Why do you need to eat at all? You need just enough to keep you alive, not to make you all jiggly and ugly. It's the strangest thing to me. Are these people happy? Do they like living their lives with limited mobility and plus sized clothing. I just don't see a need to eat. Thinking about food right now just makes me sick. Sorry if this is a ranting blog, but I'm just sort of going on about how I feel. I'll let you know how the fast goes. I'll be in the car tomorrow for most of the day so it shouldn't be hard. My boyfriend is doing something special for me for our 2 month anniversary tomorrow night, but I just hope we don't go out to dinner. I'm excited though (: He said we have to drive a half hour away, and he has to blindfold me.. I have absolutely no idea what he has planned. I'll let you knoww what happens! Sleep tighttt.

Four

Well I'm at my grandparents house until sunday. My grandpa seems to be doing pretty well, but who knows how he's really feeling. He would never say. It's nice being here though. Getting away from everything for awhile, getting away from all the stupid and unnecessary drama at home. I feel like I haven't done very well today, but that's how I always feel during road trips. Being in the car all day, even if I barely eat anything, just makes me feel fat. I need to excercise badlyy, so I'll probably do a lot of crunches and excercises later. Tomorrow I think we're going to do some shopping, maybe go by a cupcake store. I love love love baking (: And I love baking cupcakes so my grandma told me of a really cool bakery here. I'm actually really good with baking things and not eating them. I usually like to try what I made just to make sure its good, but sometimes I'll just get my mom to taste it cos I know she has good taste. I've been purging alot lately, I don't know why. I really don't like it but I just feel so gross when I eat anything. I wish I could just fast for awhile. I'm going to try and go on a fast sometime soon. Oh and I think next week I'm going to start being a vegan again, at least for a little while. I did it for a week awhile ago, and I felt healthier, it was just kind of hard. And it's also a very good excuse to refrain from eating lots of foods. I want to get to the point where people start really noticing that I'm losing weight. One time this year one of my teachers asked me if I was doing okay lately, cos I was looking thinner. And that made me so happy to hear that. That's probably the opposite of what it should make me feel, but I want to get so much thinner. I want people to notice. I just want to be beautiful and different and noticeable. Soon soon soon soonnn.