Five

I don't know. I need more of it. I haven't done awful today but I'm not happy. I literally almost just started crying because of how gross and fat I feel. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. But it feels pathetic and weird because no one else understands. If i ever told anyone that I was upset because of my weight and I was really trying to lose weight, they would just laugh and tell me "oh you're so thin. are you crazy? you have the perfect body. you don't need to lose weight". That's what I hear from my mom and everyone else. But its really not true. And as soon as summer gets here it's even more dire that I lose weight so I can actually look semi-good on the beach. Ahhh I just want to be thin thin thin. I'm going to try and fast tomorrow and monday, as a start. If it goes well then I'll try next week. I want to go down to 105 and then I'll feel like I'm getting somewhere. At the moment, food just really grosses me out. I don't understand how there are such obese people in the world. How can you eat that much? Why do you need to eat at all? You need just enough to keep you alive, not to make you all jiggly and ugly. It's the strangest thing to me. Are these people happy? Do they like living their lives with limited mobility and plus sized clothing. I just don't see a need to eat. Thinking about food right now just makes me sick. Sorry if this is a ranting blog, but I'm just sort of going on about how I feel. I'll let you know how the fast goes. I'll be in the car tomorrow for most of the day so it shouldn't be hard. My boyfriend is doing something special for me for our 2 month anniversary tomorrow night, but I just hope we don't go out to dinner. I'm excited though (: He said we have to drive a half hour away, and he has to blindfold me.. I have absolutely no idea what he has planned. I'll let you knoww what happens! Sleep tighttt.